Old Mother Hubbard’s a welfare mom and Peter Piper’s selling drugs…

Mirror Mirror on the wall, who’s the baddest bitch of all?

Little Bo Peep? Puhleeze. That little hefer isn’t worth half the weed she smokes. I mean seriously. How many times do you have to lose your sheep before  you realize you have a problem? All that money she’s costing her family. And you KNOW they need it, all them damn kids living in that shoe. Don’t make no damn sense.

I saw the old lady, Mother Hubbard, just the other day waiting in the welfare line. It’s no surprise. She’s got all them kids and don’t none of em barely help her out. How many is it now? Let’s see there’s Jack Beanstalk, Jack Hill, Jill Hill (Humpty’s not claiming those two), Jack Nimble, Peter Piper, Little Jack Horner, Jack Spratt, Jimmy Corn, Mary Lamb, Mary Contrary, Mary Mack, Mary Muffet and Bob, in accounting. That’s thirteen right there! And you didn’t hear it from me, but I hear she’s expecting, again! Mmm hmm it is such a shame; you know she’s gun put in for an upgrade to a work boot; a bigger heel at the very least. And who you think gun be the ones paying for it? People like me; that’s who! I don’t want all my taxes going to support her kids. Especially when most of em are good-for nothings who gonna end up living off the system, just like they Mama. That money could go right to a new Prada bag . Then there’s that poor dog. It’s no wonder her cupboards are always bare. All them mouths to feed and she goes and gets a dog. If you ask me, that’s just asking for trouble.

Speaking of trouble, I met this delicious, young, horseman at the bar last night who said he had to haul two of her boys in for questioning on the Humpty Dumpty case. (but that’s a story for another time) They already been arrested twice for dealing drugs. No surprise there with names like Peter PIPEr and Jimmy CRACK Corn. I always knew that child was packing more than pickled peppers. It explains why they always came up missing. And Jimmy. His Mama need to start caring when he crackin corn. That’s why they in jail now.

Trifling folks these days. I tell ya. They go making all these criminal ass kids and teachin them to live off the system just like they tired asses. Making families who really just trying to get a helping hand and make something of themselves look bad. They need to have some kinda clauses in that shit. Like if you got X amount of kids on welfare, u gotta get yo shit tied or something. And if you on it fo X amount of years, and you still aint got yo shit together, you on your own. I’m tired of paying all this money to support the same people that be the reason I gotta lock up my house every time I go out. Mirror, honey, Storybookland just aint what it used to be. Well, I gotta go, Bo Peep’s coming in for her hair appointment. Oh, big surprise, sheep are missing and she smells like weed…

Rapunzel Rapunzel, Let down your…WEAVE?!

Mirror Mirror, on the wall, who the baddest bitch of all?

Rapunzel? What?! Rapunzel, my ass. You know, that just pisses me off. Everybody’s going around thinking Rapunzel is the HBIC just cause she’s got them golden locks. Well, let me tell you something, Mirror honey; Rapunzels’ beautiful golden tress’ aint nothing but a masterfully sewn in WEAVE. I should know, I did it myself. It’s some of my best work. Sweetie, that child is bald as bald can be.  I’ve seen more hair on a tennis ball.

It ain’t always been that way though. Used to be gorgeous. Better than that good Indian stuff, ya know the kind they get imported? Tickles my tip just thinking about all the money I made selling her clippings after a new cut.  Well anyway, one day she just lost it. She done went coo coo crazy and ripped it all out. I mean, can you blame her? The child been livin alone in a narrow ass room on top of a tower since she was 5, with no one to talk to but animals and that ugly ass witch. You’d be goin crazy too!

It’s such a shame. Child welfare should have done something. Someone should have reported it. I would have, but you know, I don’t get in other folks business. I try to keep to myself cause people start acting like you’re the one doing something wrong when you butt in they business. Plus, you never know what that witch might do. She ain’t been right in the head since that bad acid trip back in ’39. We all told her not to trust Peter. Pickled peppers. Right. Next thing they’ll tell me Little Red was the victim…

Well, anyway, It’s been nice Mirror, but I’ve got to to go. Got a hot night lined up with Lil Boy Blue and that horn of his. Ouu, honey, I simply cannot wait! Does this catsuit make my semi look fat? Ok, Good.

One last thing, Mirror Mirror on the wall, Now who’s the baddest bitch of all? That’s RIGHT! And don’t you forget it! Ta Ta For Now.